It was dark and it was black and white. I thought I was watching a horror movie but them, I felt a stinging pain on my wrists.
I looked down and saw long deep slashes, and saw a knife in my left hand. I freaked out and I dropped that damn thing. I tried to run, but I guess from the loss of blood, I dropped to the ground.
As I lay there motionless, I could see my own blood flowing next to me. Tried to call out for help, but I was too weak. My vision starts to get blurry and soon...
I woke up. I literally sat up and saw that I was drenched in sweat. I checked my wrists and thigh and hips, no scars, no blood. I was still clean.
Suddenly, the urge to cry my fucking eyes out was strong so I did just that. I could literally feel the sobs coming. I bit my knuckle so hard to stop myself from bawling out like a baby. I cried and cried and rocked myself, like the idiot I am.
It felt stupid, I haven't cried in a long time, yknow? I haven't shed a single tear for at least two months. Well at least I was still clean. Although...
At that point, I really did wanna cut and let my blood flow from my body so freely but...
I don't know why but I thought of the past few weeks I spent with my girls, with my new friend Esther, with Asri and the ex-BPian boys. And of course the promise to hang out with my LTG Friend. The last one was extremely random.
I feel so pathetic, it's like I'm back to that stage where I had just started therapy. The worthless, empty feeling. I know I'm not alone, but my stupid stupid mind is making me think so.
It's the god damn dream's fault. I don't wanna be that person again. I long for happiness, for my mind to set me free from these burdensome, negative thoughts...
